Saudade
by calsicle
Summary: "Sorry, I'm currently out of reach. Please leave a message after the short beep!" That voicemail was all that was left of Hinata Hajime.


It was currently afternoon. The room was in a complete silence, except for Komaeda Nagito's unstable breathing, and the sound of his phone's vibratings. His thumb stopped dancing on the phone's keypad, ans brought it against his ear. There were beeps, and then came a very familiar voice.

 _"Sorry, I'm currently out of reach. Please leave a message after the short beep!"_

 _Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep._

No words came out of the pale-skinned man's lips. Heaving a sigh, Komaeda put down his phone down by his lap and pressed the reject button to stop the voice mail and lay his body against his messy bed.

Though the air conditioner was on all the time, sweats had made themselves upon his temples, causing his long and disheveled white hair to stick against his sticky skin. Komaeda's chest felt heavy―his heartbeat was unstable, so was his breathing. He felt his stomach rumbled, craving for food, but Komaeda refused to leave his room. The last time he'd eaten was two days ago. His throat was sore, it needed water, but he refused to go outside.

Komaeda gazed at his phone's logs with his droopy eyes.

 _2 miss calls from Sonia Nevermind._

 _3 messages from Kuzuryuu Fuyuhiko._

 _1 miss call from Souda Kazuichi._

 _7 miss calls from Nanami Chiaki._

 _10 messages from Nanami Chiaki._

 _43 outcoming calls to Hinata Hajime._

 _67 sent messages to Hinata Hajime._

He opened the messaging application and sent a message to the contant Hinata Hajime. He typed in five words:

 _I want to see you._

Komaeda stared blankly at the screen as the phone sent the message, and when it successfully did, he clicked his tongue, throwing the phone aside. Without caring where the phone had landed, Komaeda tossed his body around, hugging a pillow, imagining it as him―but it wasn't enough. He needed the real thing. The real, breathing Hinata Hajime. His grip around the pillow tightened as he gritted his teeth―not this fake, wet pillow, stained by his own tears.

Three weeks ago, Komaeda had lost someone precious to him.

And it happened without his knowing―according to the witness' account, it was nighttime, and Hinata was on his way somewhere―presumably home―when a car suddenly came down in a high speed, crashing down against Hinata before the brunette could do anything about it. And he died there on the spot. It had been confirmed that the driver was drunk. Hearing the news, Komaeda dropped the cup of coffee he had on his grip.

He'd made a commotion in the hospital by screaming Hinata's name over and over again hysterically, with Kazuichi and Kuzuryuu trying to stop him. Nanami even had to slap Komaeda to stop him. And that was when he felt his knees go weak, and he fell there, frozen, refusing to accept the fact that he'd lost someone as precious as Hinata.

Because of his wealth, Komaeda can send the drunk driver who killed Hinata to jail. But that itself couldn't make the pain he felt in his chest vanish.

He felt the insides of his stomach turned upside down upon hearing a knock on the door. Then, came a muffled and soft voice of a familiar someone―unfortunately, it was a female's voice. Someone close to him and Hinata.

"Komaeda-kun, please come out," Nanami's muffled voice came from behind the door. Komaeda ignored her. Ten seconds had passed, then she spoke again, "Komaeda-kun, we're worried."

The said man hissed as he put the tears-stained pillow against his head, covering his ears with it. He'd barely heard when Nanami said, "Komaeda-kun, can you open the―"

"Komaeda-kun this, Komaeda-kun that, just _SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!_ "

His throat hurt when he shouted that, but it was worth it. Nanami had stopped bothering him, and now Komaeda could mourn by himself in his room. As minutes and hours passed, Komaeda felt his consciousness slipped away, and he was sent into the land of nightmare against his will.

 _"Sorry, I'm currently out of reach. Please leave a message after the short beep!"_

 _Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep._

Komaeda didn't count how many times he'd tried to call Hinata, but according to his phone, it was the 92th time he'd tried to call him. And none of them was picked up.

Well, Komaeda hoped for nothing. It was impossible for Hinata to pick up, after all. He will never pick up Komaeda's call anymore. Komaeda won't hear Hinata's muffled scolds through the phone anymore. When he was still alive, Komaeda would call the brunette in the middle of the night, and Hinata would pick up, saying, "What the hell, Komaeda? Calling at this hour... I'm sleepy, goddammit..." And the pale-skinned man would laugh mirthfully, "Ah, nothing. I just can't sleep~"

Now, all was left of Hinata's voice was his voice mail that Komaeda hears every now and then. Hinata won't reply when he messaged him.

His chest hurt. He just noticed it now―he didn't know since when, but tears had gathered in his eyes, threatening to fall down at any moment. Something was weighing his heart down, and Komaeda hoped for the pain in his chest to perish, but it just wouldn't go no matter how many times Komaeda wished for it to disappear.

For the umpteenth time, Komaeda sent a text message to Hinata. It said, _Hinata-kun, I miss you._ With a heavy heart, Komaeda pressed send. And no matter how long Komaeda waits, there wouldn't be any reply from the brunette. If there was, indeed, a reply, that'd mean Komaeda had lost his mind completely.

Sometimes he wondered―should he just give up and follow Hinata to the afterlife? Komaeda had lost his hope since God knows when, so he wouldn't mind killing himself.

But he wondered again, would Hinata be happy with that decision? Hinata was a man full of hope, after all. Would he want him to stay where he was and be like this―broken, and empty―or would he want him to go up there and accompany him? Komaeda refused to ask someone about that. He didn't want to talk to anyone at that moment.

His thought was suddenly interrupted by the sudden knock of his room's door. Cursing in annoyance, he thought, _must be Nanami._

And he was correct. Just right after that, Nanami's muffled voice came from behind the door. "Komaeda-kun? I'll leave your dinner here, alright?" She stopped, but Komaeda knew she was going to say something again. "...Please eat." Then her voice disappeared.

He needed a drink.

The last time he'd drunk something was three days ago. He didn't drink or eat any of the food Nanami had brought yesterday, and so today he was famished.

But he couldn't go outside like this. He didn't want to meet anyone, including Nanami. They were close, as close as if they were siblings, but he didn't want to face anyone at that time. And so he waited until he was sure Nanami was gone. She'd go, probably a few minutes after she brings him his daily food.

As he waited, Komaeda unlocked his phone again and tried to call Hinata's phone―he just wanted to hear his voice. And as expected, came the voice mail, _"Sorry, I'm currently out of reach. Please leave a message after the short beep!"_

And then the beep.

 _Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep_.

He couldn't believe that Hinata breathed his last just like that. A few weeks ago he was still laughing and smiling. Komaeda was still able to touch and stroke him gently, to prove that he was still there beside him. But now he wasn't there anymore. Komaeda no longer could hear his soothing voice.

It was infuriating.

Komaeda waited, waited, and waited. He tossed around his bed, but never got up. He occasionally looked up to check on the clock. It had been two hours since Nanami had left the food for him, so she must have went back home already. The food might already be too cold, but he didn't care. As long as he could eat something.

Komaeda got up from his bed, shivered when his bare feet touched the cool floor. He strode toward his room's door and twisted the knob to open it, and was surprised to see Nanami standing across the only door to his room, a solicitous look was painted across her features.

Her pink hair, as usual, was slightly curled inward. The pink had blended in with the lamp's yellow light, making it quite faint. She donned a white long-sleeved sweater and knee-length black leggings. She was bare foot.

"...Nanami-san," Komaeda nodded, acknowledging her presence.

"Komaeda-kun." Her tone was stern and humorless. He knew not to mess with her when she is like this.

Komaeda glanced down to his feet―in front of them was a silver tray with a glass of water and a plate full of curry rice on top of it. He'd drool if it weren't for the tense situation he was in. "Thank you for the food," he said, and was about to scoop it up and bring it inside when Nanami suddenly stopped him―he took that back. It wasn't suddenly. He was expecting it.

"Komaeda-kun, please eat with us. The others are waiting downstairs."

Komaeda shot her an indignant look. "I thought I already ordered the maids and butlers not to bring any guests in except you?"

Nanami pursed her lips. "I insist. You must go downstairs with us, " when Komaeda doesn't answer, Nanami continued, her eyes pleading, " _please_."

The sickly-pale man clicked his tongue in annoyance. He leaned his heavy body against the door's threshold as he said, "Why should I?"

"We're worried."

"I'm not asking you to worry about me."

"We're your friends, Komaeda-kun. We have a right to worry abo―"

"Like I said, I'm not asking you to worry about me. Just mind your own business and leave me alone." He almost shouted, but trailed off instead when he saw the expression Nanami's face. Then, with a softer tone, he said, "...okay?"

"No," she answered quickly, her face full of determination. "I will not let you go inside before you agree to go downstairs and see your friends."

"Look, I know you care about me, but at least let me do whatever I want."

" _No_."

Komaeda was taken aback by Nanami's determination, but as a close friend, he knew he couldn't do anything but to be obedient at her. With that, Komaeda heaved a deep, frustrated sigh and without looking at her, nodded. "Fine," he said, giving up. Taking the tray into his hands, he began to make his way downstairs, without even waiting for Nanami.

But just before he took his seventh step, Komaeda heard Nanami said, "Now _he_ will be happy, too..."

A few months had passed since the day Hinata Hajime died.

Komaeda had met his friends because of Nanami. It was an awkward reunion, but they felt happy seeing him, so he was, surprisingly, glad that none of them hated him.

He'd continued his job in Future Foundation, but sometimes he would be caught staring into space blankly, his mind elsewhere. His features still looked like a zombie, with his green-gray eyes as dead as a fish. Sometimes Togami would scold him because of his unfocusness.

Komaeda couldn't help it. He couldn't forget about his precious one―about Hinata Hajime. He couldn't get him off his mind. He would always be there whenever he blanks out. The thought of Hinata haunting his mind forever frightened him.

Fukawa, surprisingly, once said to him, "What you are feeling is called _saudade_. It's a word in Portuguese and Galician that has no direct translation in English. It describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves," she'd finished, "...that's what Wikipedia said about it, anyway."

"...You know about this, huh, Fukawa-san? Not surprising at all, since you're the Ultimate Writing Prodigy."

"S-S-Shut up! I just happen to know!" He just laughed as a response.

And now, it was eight in the evening. He was gripping his phone tightly, staring down at a certain contact name.

 _Hinata Hajime._

He hadn't called him for a month now, and Komaeda was craving for his voice. He wanted to hear his voice, or he might go crazy. A sweat had dropped from his temples down to the bed's sheet, and that was when he pressed the call button. Quickly putting it against his right ear, Komaeda bit his lips, holding his breath.

At first, there were the usual beeps. One beep, two beeps, three beeps, four beeps...

 _"Who is this?"_

Komaeda's breath hitched.

"Hinata-kun―" He shouted spontaneously, but stopped abruptly, checking if he was calling the right number or not. It was the right number. But why? Why was the voice different? Hinata's voice was bubbly and fruity. He'd sound very happy when Komaeda called him.

No, there was no way this was Hinata. Hinata's voice wasn't this... empty. His voice wasn't this emotionless. This couldn't be him. And besides, Hinata is...

 **Gone.**

 _"Hinata? I am no Hinata. Hey, who is this? Speak."_

"...Sorry, it seems I called the wrong number. I apologize." Komaeda quickly ended the call before the receiver could even response to him. And without his knowing, the phone had slipped from his loose grip and fell on the bed. Slowly, tears gathered in the corner of his eyes, and they fell, trailing down to his cheeks, and down to the bed, making it wet.

The door opened, and Komaeda's head shot up, greeted by the figure of Nanami. Her countenance quickly changed to a concerned one upon seeing what state he was in. She quickly ran toward him, shouting, "Komaeda-kun! What's wrong?!"

He just gave her a forced, rueful smile, as he said, "It seems his number was assigned to someone else."


End file.
